A Moment for Marriage

How Do You Eat an Elephant?

By Rob Flood

In our day of endless culinary shows, I suppose we could answer this question in countless ways. We could discuss preparation and cooking methods or plating, perhaps. Regardless of how you prepare or serve an elephant, the answer to our question in singular: one bite at a time.

Lest your memory be poor, let me remind you…elephants are big. And eating an elephant would take a long time. Taking a look at the size of the meal before you would discourage even the heartiest appetite. But if you’ve been charged with eating one, one bite at a time is the only way to go.

As we look at working through challenges in marriage, we can too often be overwhelmed with the meal before us. It presents us with a seemingly insurmountable task. We look at our communication and wonder if there’s any hope. We look at our finances and don’t know were to start. We look at the rest of our lives and ponder if we can make it. And, as a result, we’re overwhelmed.

Remember…one bite at a time.

If we try to address every issue in our marriage at once, we’ll spend all our waking hours in conflict or dispair. If we dwell on all there is to do and the limited resources we have to do it, the sheer weight of the task will crush our fragile hearts.

Step back and remind yourself…one bite at a time.

Maybe an external illustration would help. Take yourself for example.

You were a sinner, far from God. When God redeemed you, he got the whole package, sin patterns and all. When He began convicting you of sin, did he attack all of your sin at once? Did he demand that you deal with every imperfection, flaw, and wart on your soul? Clearly, the answer is no.

He approached your soul one bite at a time. A little bit of truth, a little bit of application, a little bit of encouragement. Then he moved on to another bit of truth, another bit of application, another bit of encouragement. He demonstrated patience with you, and he still does. He’s not in a rush to swallow the elephant whole. He moves one bite at a time.

How would your perspective on marriage change if you stopped trying to swallow the whole elephant? How would that affect your joy? …your encouragement? …your conversation?

“Whole-Elephant” marriage does nothing but give both the husband and the wife a belly ache. No one can swallow a meal like that. Put on patience. Put on a long view of marriage. And follow the example of your loving heavenly Father and approach it one bite at a time. That is how you eat an elephant.

If you liked the blog, please consider sharing it on your social media feed.
Spread the word!

Thermometer or Thermostat?

By Rob Flood

One of the wonderful gifts that God has given to married couples is the gift of sexual intimacy. And yet, sexual intimacy is also one of the most contentious areas of a marriage relationship. How can a couple wade through the confusion and conflict that often occurs surrounding this topic and arrive at the wonder and joy of how God has designed it?

Couples commonly mistake how to view the subject of sexual intimacy. Some feel that, if there is a distance between husband and wife, a vibrant sex life will fix what ails them. Some feel that, even if everything else is out of kilter, if their intimacy is good, the marriage will be okay.

Those who view their sexual intimacy in these ways make a common but critical mistake. They view their sexual intimacy as a thermostat. Thermostats are used to set the temperature in a room, home, or building. The environment and surroundings of a home are determined by the settings on the thermostat.

However, God did not design marriage to stand on the foundation of sexual intimacy. No, marriage is designed to stand on the foundation of godliness: selflessness, healthy communication, love, and respect. It is designed to stand on the foundation and the fruit of the gospel. So, how does sexual intimacy fit into this?

Rather than using sexual intimacy as a thermostat to set the temperature of a marriage, sexual intimacy is a thermometer. Thermometers don’t set or prescribe anything. Instead, they simply read the temperature. They serve to let you know if something is right and if something is wrong. You don’t fix anything by using a thermometer.

If a couple is struggling in their sexual lives, the problem is rarely in their sexual lives. It is likely somewhere else, such as their communication or their respect for each other. Perhaps their struggle finds its roots in drifting from a dependent faith upon Christ. Perhaps it is the overflow of parenting worries or financial burdens. Whichever the case may be, fixing the sexual issues in their relationship will do nothing to address the deeper issues that are causing the problems in their intimacy.

So, if you find that the sexual intimacy in your marriage is either lacking or struggling, it is certainly worth addressing. But don’t make the “thermostat” mistake. Look deeper and look beyond the bedroom. Are you loving your spouse with the love of Christ? Are you communicating and building a relationship of love and respect? Are there areas of unrepentant sin in your life? Are there struggles God would have you address first? Are you allowing the gospel to function in your marriage?

If you will fight the temptation to adjust the sexual thermostat, you will find, in time, by God’s grace, that the thermometer of your sexual intimacy should rise. Intimacy between a husband and a wife is a gift from a loving God. When properly understood and rightly prioritized, it can be a gift that a couple enjoys for their entire marriage.

If you liked the blog, please consider sharing it on your social media feed.
Spread the word!

Note: Even in marriages where there is some medical reason that limits sexual activity, physical affection ought to flow from a foundation of the gospel functioning in a marriage. Though the specific activity may change, the same principles hold true. Physical affection is still far better considered a thermometer rather than a thermostat.

Note: I first heard this basic concept from A Weekend to Remember at FamilyLife. Check out their website HERE or sign up for A Weekend to Remember HERE.

When Being Right is All Wrong

By Rob Flood

Meet Justin and Paula. They’ve been married for nearly 15 years, most of which have been wonderful years. Recently, though, conflict has been the order of the day. Not war-to-end-all-wars conflict. Just little skirmishes here or there over this small thing or that. Right now, as you read this, they are at the end of another conflict. Paula is in the privileged position of being right…there is no doubt left for either of them that Justin is wrong.

As they go back to their neutral corners (Justin to the TV room and Paula to the bedroom), they both realize that they don’t feel any better now than when the whole thing started. Justin’s not supposed to feel better…he was proven wrong. But Paula won the fight…the joy of vindication and accomplishment is quickly fading and she’s feeling unsettled again…as usual.

Why does Paula still feel hollow and Justin still feel defeated?

Might I suggest an answer? Could it be they’re competing for the wrong prize and, to their own detriment, they’re actually succeeding at it?

You see, Justin and Paula, in their recent history of combat, have been fighting to determine who is right and who is wrong. And the winner is the one with the facts on their side, the RIGHT side. But the prize never makes good on the promises it makes.

Determining who is right and who is wrong will never resolve marital conflict. Let me repeat that. Determining who is right and who is wrong will never resolve marital conflict. You see, in order to “win” the chronic fight they’re having, they must turn AWAY from each other and then turn ON each other. They have to set themselves up against each other and then attack each other. Someone must “win” and someone must “lose,” and that is no “win” at all.

Think of it another way. We were once embattled against God. Who had the moral high ground? Who had the facts on their side? Well, that would be God. But that didn’t resolve the problem; it WAS the problem. The enmity between us was resolved only by a cross. It was resolved by love and by mercy. It was resolved out of grace. This is what Justin and Paula need.

They need motivations that are for the betterment of the other. They need to be willing to be wronged and love anyway. They need to be willing to be right, but not make that the main issue. If there is enmity between them, resolving the enmity is the goal, not proving who is right or wrong.

It’s not that the facts don’t matter; they do. However, they only matter in the greater context of the right prize, the prize of oneness with God and with one another. When oneness is the goal of a marriage, suddenly turning on each other is folly, not strategy. It is destructive, not victorious. If either of you wins, you both lose.

When Justin and Paula understand the need for the cross to have its effect on their marriage, their warfare will be transformed. They will no longer be fighting against each other, but alongside each other after the proper goal of oneness.

If you liked the blog, please consider sharing it on your social media feed.
Spread the word!

Four Ways to Build Your Marriage during Social Distancing

by Rob Flood

This is such a unique time in which we are living. No one could have foreseen this global COVID-19 pandemic, nor the ripple effect on economies and the daily life of people across the globe. The spread of the coronavirus and all of the related shutdowns have brought us to a stark dichotomy. While we are separating from the rest of the world through social distancing, we are spending constant time with our immediate families. In real time, many are experiencing the opposing truths of two well-known cultural proverbs, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” and “Familiarity breeds contempt.”

But for the Christian marriage, for the marriage that seeks to bring God great honor and reflect Christ’s relationship with the church, we have the opportunity to throw those cultural proverbs into a blender. Christian marriages can create a new proverb: “Familiarity makes the heart grow fonder.”

As God ordained our marriages, he created one flesh out of two people. And, in times like this, we have the golden opportunity to live daily as one flesh in increased ways. This begs a very important question—what can we do to build into our marriages during this time of social distancing and isolation?

Here are four ways you can build your marriage during social distancing.

Create Memories. A lack of time together often keeps us from making great memories. Work schedules, long commutes, soccer practice, dance lessons, and social obligations often limit our time with our spouses. For many of us, this pandemic has drastically changed our schedules and has opened up an unlimited amount of togetherness. Take advantage of that opportunity by packing a picnic lunch and throwing a blanket on your lawn. Make your own movie theater popcorn and watch a new movie. Share your favorite memes with one another and enjoy the gift of laughter. Take a virtual tour of a museum together.

Catch Up on Conversations. If your marriage is anything like mine, there are important topics that can get bumped down the to-do list. This is a perfect time to catch up. Create a list of all of the things you need to discuss, both important and mundane, heavy and light, as well as personal and family-related business. Then pick a time of the day or a day of the week and gradually work through the list. If you don’t complete a conversation, that’s okay. You have tomorrow or next week to continue. You’ll be amazed at the growth God creates in your marriage when you discuss the things you’ve put off for weeks, months, or years. As both husband and wife earnestly desire to please God in these conversations, you’ll find more than sufficient grace from above to be make these times constructive.

For this idea in particular, you’ll find helpful tips in my book, With These Words: Five Communication Tools for Marriage and Life. It will provide help and guidance as you catch up on conversations.

Learn Together. Find some common areas of interest and learn something new. Read a book together on the topic or watch a related YouTube video or listen to a podcast. Also consider areas of your walk with Christ where you can learn together. Maybe you’ve heard your pastor share a number of quotes from an author you found helpful. This is a great time to get one of his or her books and read it. Perhaps you want to grow as a couple in a specific spiritual discipline, or joy, or contentment, or evangelism. Get recommendations for a resource from your pastor or a trusted friend and get busy learning side-by-side.
Develop Routine. Most of us are finding our daily routines entirely disrupted. Employees are working from home. Homemakers now have a spouse in the house all of the time. The kids are not going out of the home for school and they’re always underfoot. This can all result in a lack of order that can quickly generate anxiety and conflict. To combat this tendency, create a routine. Create a daily or weekly schedule for your new reality. Set aside specific time for your kids and specific time for your spouse. Keep a normal wake time and normal bedtime. Each of these practical rhythms can serve to establish a sense of normalcy and healthy relational habits.

Think Creatively

Some of these ideas will be more useful to you than others, depending on your individual situation. Use these suggestions to spur on your own creative thinking. We know that God desires us to cherish our spouse in all seasons and to grow together in Christlikeness. Hidden within this global pandemic are boundless occasions to do just that. Don’t miss them. Seize the opportunities of this unique season and come out of this crisis stronger and healthier as a married couple.

If you liked the blog, please consider sharing it on your social media feed.
Spread the word!

When Trial Leads to Opportunity – COVID19

By Rob Flood

We are now living in a strange time marked by shelter at home, quarantines, joblessness, and social separation. Each one of these things could lead to fear, panic, anxiety, or worse. When you combine them, we are reminded of a God who is bigger than our circumstances. We’re reminded of a God who holds all things together, including viruses and economies. We are reminded that each one of us desperately needs this God at the center of our lives, our thoughts, and our emotions.

Among the many needs this time presents, we are presented with many opportunities as well. I want to call us toward two of those opportunities.

The Christian’s Opportunity

We have a chance to live through this time in a way that is distinct from how the world lives through this. Our hope rests not in the CDC or WHO, though we ought to be thankful for both. Our hope rests not in vaccines or treatments, though we ought to pray for these things. Our hope rests not in healthcare workers, though we ought to thank God for them. Our hope rests beyond the reach of the coronavirus, beyond the impact of a slowing economy, beyond the infection and mortality rates.

While we are pilgrims in this land, we must deal with the fallenness of it. But we are citizens of another land, a world beyond our own. We are called as citizens of heaven to place our hope there, to live with the assurance of our inheritance that waits for us there. When we do this, we can live in this world as those who have hope, unwavering and unshakeable hope.

When your peace that surpasses understanding is on display for family, neighbors, and coworkers, the world stands up and takes notice. And now comes the real opportunity: you get to share the reason for your hope with a world that is scrambling for security and hope themselves.

Before the coronavirus began spreading, the world’s greatest need was Christ. Now that is has blown into a pandemic, the worlds’ greatest need is still Christ. But now, more so than then, the world may be willing to listen. So, be a disciple who lives like citizens of heaven and share with others the reason for your hope.

Our Relational Opportunity

These days of social separation and isolation present many challenges to our relationships. For some, we are pressed toward time with one another in unprecedented amounts. With the kids home from school and many forbidden to go to work, we are with one another constantly. For still others, we are prohibited from time with one another. Perhaps you live alone and are feeling more isolated and lonely than you’ve ever felt before.

We have in front of us a communication challenge. For the first group, those who are pressed toward constant contact with your family, you have plenty of opportunity to depend and enrich your relationships, but it will hang on how you communicate with one another. The Enemy would love to turn self-quarantines into constant bickering and relational division. But purposely ask yourself this question: “What might God want to accomplish in my home during this time?” You’ll find opportunities abounding.

For the second group, those who are kept from relationships and feeling lonely, you face communication challenges of a. different sort. You now cannot rely on the convenience of working alongside someone or seeing them at church or even running into them in a store. Your communication will need to be marked by initiative and drive. You will need to reach out through phone, text, and video chats.

Let me encourage you to do it. A pandemic does not negate the need for community; it heightens it. So don’t let it rob you of community. Work through the awkwardness of this time and communicate with your friends and loved ones.

Conclusion

These are indeed strange times. Keep in mind, though, the church has seen far stranger and harder times than these. We will get through this. What we look like on the other side of this is another story. That’s going to be determined in part by how we live during these strange days. Let’s live our professions. The challenges we face are great, but our God is greater. Let’s believe that. Let’s really believe that. And let’s refuse to allow the Enemy a foothold in our lives. Step toward Christ and then toward one another. By God’s grace, we’ll be stronger when all of this is over.

Note: For help with communication, consider getting a copy of my book, With These Words: Five Communication Tools for Marriage and Life. You can get a copy from my publisher HERE or through Amazon HERE.

Enemy Number One

By Rob Flood

I don’t know about you, but my pillow talks to me every night. It doesn’t yell, but it is a crystal clear whisperer. I know, telling you that my pillow talks to me might make you want to stop reading right now, but press on. You may discover that your pillow talks, too.

When I lay down at night, the house is quiet, but my mind is racing. And with a racing mind, my pillow whispers thoughts of how my day went. Sometimes, it shares its thoughts on the joys I experienced. More often, though, it shares with me regrets over my choice of words with my daughter…my tone with my son… missed opportunities.

And there’s often a theme. Like a recurring nightmare, sin themes occupy my one-way conversations with my pillow. Choices that repeat themselves mark our marriages. Can you relate to sin themes? Is your last conversation with your pillow in the front of your mind right now as you read? Good…because today we are declaring it Enemy Number One! And it is time for that pesky adversary to die once and for all!

Maybe it’s anger or passivity. Maybe you’re too demanding of your spouse, or too slothful. Maybe you don’t consider your spouse’s opinions or feelings…maybe you consider him or her too much because you want his or her approval.. Maybe it’s one of another hundred other things. Whatever it is, consider taking these steps toward changing the conversation.

– Call it out to the school yard for a fight. In other words, let the world know that you’re fighting it. Invite friends to circle around you as you fight it. Let them know what the issue is, when it usually peeks its ugly head, and specifically how you sin when it does. Don’t keep it a secret or whisper nasty things about it. Open your lungs and declare war on it.

– Tell your spouse about the war. Your spouse knows what it’s like to fight sin. He or she knows what it looks like when YOU fight your sin. They can serve as early detectors of the problem. And welcome their input when they share. Confronting a person on their sin can be a scary thing. So, provide them with “safe” words to highlight your sin. Mutually agreed upon words outside of conflict can be a great tool in the midst of conflict.

– Run a recon mission regularly. Check with those around you to see how the war is going. Fight the stealthy enemy of self-defense. Don’t excuse or explain away their observations. Embrace them and make tactical adjustments according to the input you receive.

– Show no mercy! Your Enemy Number One will have no mercy on you. It seeks to destroy you. So, have no mercy on it. When it is down, struggling, and groggy from the last strike, deal it a death blow. When it pleads for mercy, grant it none.

Like a good soldier fighting a good fight, when you go to sleep at night your pillow will whisper a job well done to you. The conversation will change. And we then prepare to move onto Enemy Number Two.

If you liked the blog, please consider sharing it on your social media feed.
Spread the word!

Avoiding Marital Shorthand

By Rob Flood

BRB. TTYL. ROTFL. IMHO. These are some of the seemingly endless examples of contemporary shorthand. Relationships used to happen in person over meals and cups of coffee. Then they happened over the phone through conversation. Then they happened in text and in 140 characters. Our words became shorter and shorter. But it’s okay isn’t it? After all, we all know what we mean, right?

Have you noticed this can sometimes happen in our marriages? At times, this can be a great asset and, I suppose, it’s only natural as people get to know each other. But, as beneficial as this can be, there is often a dangerous side effect that is not nearly as helpful…I call it marital shorthand.

Rather than, “Gina, can you please get me a drink of water?” it becomes “Hon, I need some water.” Rather than, “Gina, I’m so sorry for what I said, will you please forgive me for being insensitive and vengeful?” it becomes “Hon, I was an idiot.”

We assume, because our spouse knows our thoughts, that they know we are thankful…they know we are sorry. And, before long, we drift from incomplete thoughts, such as those listed above, to the unspoken thought. “She knows I love her…she doesn’t need me to say it.” This is marital shorthand on a steep decline.

How can you know if you’ve fallen victim to marital shorthand? Here’s just a couple helpful signs:

– The absence of basic manners: Assuming that basic manners are a regular part of your life with your friends and co-workers, the absence of basic manners with your spouse could indicate the presence of marital shorthand. Take the time to say please, thank you, excuse me, I’m sorry, will you forgive me, your welcome, God bless you, etc. It’s worth the effort.

– Creating offenses where none were intended: Though there are additional reasons this might be occurring, it is worth asking the question, “Has my curtness of speech created an offense?”

– Is my manner of speaking significantly different than when we first got married?: Do you tell your spouse of your love as often as you once did? Are you as intentional with your words now as you were 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago?

In addition to these symptoms, one sign of caution should be pointed out to you. You may be newly married or in a present state of marital bliss. You should know that on the final step before the plunge into marital shorthand stands a sign which reads, “Sweetheart, this could never happen to us!” If you’ve said that during your reading of this blog, buckle your seat belt…you’re probably in for a plunge.

Marital shorthand comes on like a friend: “I guess we’re getting to know each other really well…look how comfortable we are talking to each other.” But, in the end, it serves as a fierce enemy: “What ever happened to our love? We’re not as close as we once were.”

Celebrate when you are so close that you can finish each other’s sentences, when just a few words can convey so much. Such relational intimacy is worth celebrating. However, when your speech loses kindness and grace, cancel the celebration and start a prayer meeting. Such conversational carelessness will surely work against you and your marriage in the end.

Turning Manhood on its Head

By Rob Flood

When you think of a man’s man, what comes to mind? Swagger? Confidence? Independence? When a man’s man falls down, is he the type that can pick himself up by his bootstraps and get back on his horse?

There are several problems with this kind of man’s man. First, most of us don’t wear boots, so there are no straps to pull ourselves up by. Second, most of us don’t have horses, so there’s nothing to get back on.

But there’s another problem, one that hits a bit closer to home. This is not how the Scriptures define manhood. Christ himself is an example the Scriptures hold out for us of what godly manhood should look like. In him, we see no swagger or self-centered confidence or independence. In fact, we see something altogether different. We see traditional manhood turned on its head.

Christ was humble. Philippians 2 lays this out for us in unmistakable detail. God became man, need I say more? He considered himself nothing, putting others ahead of himself. This is the kind of humility we ought to be seeking. Yet, there’s something about humility that can feel quite “unmanly”.

It’s not the disclosure of our sin. Everyone sins…so that’s safe enough. It’s not even keeping quiet about our achievements and drawing attention away from ourselves. That makes enough sense to work its way into our lives.

The part of humility that can sometimes feel unmanly is the “needing others” part. In our culture, as we understand manhood, individuality and independence are necessary ingredients for success. And so, concepts like fellowship and structures like Small Groups don’t look all that appetizing. But here are some hard but obvious truths.

Committing to traits such as swagger, bravado, and independence actually prevents godly manhood. Such commitments keep us trapped in immature boyhood. These traits don’t mark a man, they prevent one.

Real men, godly men, are men of community. They are men of deep and meaningful relationships. They are transparent men. They are faithful men. They are open men. They are dependent men. They are humble men. They are men that have in them the same mind as was in Christ.

They are men who sacrifice. Men who serve. They are men who are desperate for grace, committed to the savior, and needy each day for a fresh filling of the Spirit of God. They are men who think little of themselves and much of their God. They are real men. They are godly men.

So, will you join me in a group confession session. Ready? Repeat after me:

Father, forgive me for my pride. I am full of love for myself. Behind my swagger is a man of fear. Behind my confidence is a man of doubt. Behind my independence is a lonely man. Yet I know Christ has died to rescue men like me. He has lived the life of the perfect man. And he invites me to follow him on the path of humility. Even more so, he is committed to giving the power and wisdom I need to walk that path. Father, forgive me for my pride…and thank you for your son.

So, when you think of a man’s man, what comes to mind? When we’re willing to turn manhood on its head, we’ll find what a true man, what a godly man, really is. We will find Christ. And we will be free to put down the façade and embrace humility.

NOTE: Check out my newly released book on marital communication: With These Words. You can purchase the book here or at Amazon.

Unite and Conquer

By Rob Flood

On day four of our honeymoon, Gina and I began a strong and wide divide that lasted for quite some time. The damage created about 18 months of turmoil in our marriage and personal lives. How we could have benefitted from true biblical fellowship back then.

As God poured His grace into our lives, we repaired our marriage and resurrected our love for one another. We began to see the many areas in which we stumbled. A small slip here…a missed step there. An opportunity for grace wasted…a need for forgiveness bypassed. All of a sudden, these small missteps led to a divide that nearly destroyed us. We were striving for unity, but couldn’t seem to reach it.

You may be lacking unity in your marriage. Maybe it is difficult coming to a unified decision. Maybe it is difficult finding unified interests. Or maybe it’s as ugly as ours was: not even being unified in your love for one another. The essential ingredients for unity are needed and quick! So, what are they? Here’s what we discovered.

Unite around a common Savior –In marital conflict, we can leave the cross at the front door. This is what we did. I failed to allow the cross to influence my interaction with Gina and my perception of what was happening. As a couple, join hands at the foot of the cross. Gain perspective on your problem and on God’s love for your spouse. Gain perspective on the depth of your sinful heart. Pray together, confess before each other, and worship together. Allow the love of a common Savior to unite you.

Unite around a common enemy – FamilyLife famously says,“Your spouse is not your enemy.” This is true. God has joined you together that you may be one against the attacks of another. The truth is that marriage really does have an enemy: Satan. He wants your marriage to fall apart because he knows that it reflects more than just two lovers; it reflects the love of a Savior and His people. Unite in fighting the same person.

Unite around a common cause – Gary Thomas’ book, Sacred Marriage, has a provocative subtitle: “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” God designed marriage to fulfill its main purpose: to glorify Him and reflect His glory. Ephesians 5 highlights this purpose for marriage. Set aside your pursuit of happiness and embrace a pursuit for holiness. Not only will your marriage be a happier one. It will also be a holier one. God will be mightily glorified as two sinners unite around the common cause of bringing Him glory.

Many years later, by the kindness and grace of God, Gina and I are doing wonderfully. We are enjoying a deep love and true unity. However, the memories of those first 18 months are never far from our minds. When temptation creeps up and division begins to appear, we unite. As we do, the cross has its intended effect on our relationship. And we are deeply thankful. I’m confident in the Lord that the same can and will be true for you.

NOTE: Check out my newly released book on marital communication: With These Words. You can purchase the book here or at Amazon.

The Best of Times…The Worst of Times

By Rob Flood

Have you ever wished you had a time eraser? I mean the type of eraser that allows you to delete the last couple of minutes, or weeks, or months. Perhaps you’ve just said something you wish you could take back. Or maybe your attitude has been a bit abrasive recently and you regret the impact that it’s had on those around you.

During one particular stretch of time, I was trapped in an especially proud season. It was most certainly not a season to be proud of, however. Suffice it to say I was very aware of myself. And this epidemic self-awareness stretched from my attitude at church to my attitude in my home. The value of a conversation or situation rose and fell with how it affected me. Not very pretty!

While the particulars are of little consequence, the influence it had on my soul was and is of great consequence. My joy was gone and my peace was tapped. You’d think that I’d realize the influence and come to my senses, but I was far too blinded by my sin for that. In my twisted view, the problem was not my self-awareness; it was those around me. A time eraser would have been nice.

The Proverbs tell us:

A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver. (Proverbs 25:11)

My wife, Gina, derived faith from this verse and met me in conversation about my heart. With love, gentleness, and humility, she spoke directly from Jeremiah 17. She wasn’t quite sure what was going on in my heart, but she recognized that her husband bore resemblance to the desert shrub.

He is like a shrub in the desert,
and shall not see any good come.
He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness,
in an uninhabited salt land.

She saw a man whose soul was parched and did not see any good come. Then, wanted for me what she saw in the description of the tree planted by water.

He is like a tree planted by water,
  that sends out its roots by the stream,
and does not fear when heat comes,
  for its leaves remain green,
and is not anxious in the year of drought,
  for it does not cease to bear fruit.”

And she gently asked, she fitly asked, if the problem might be where I was placing my trust. You see, the shrub in the desert “trusts in man and makes flesh his strength.” The tree planted by water “trusts in the LORD, his trust is the LORD.”

For the tree, it was the best of times. For the shrub, it was the worst of times. But a closer reading of the text reveals a secret hiding in plain sight: the conditions around them were the same. They each were enduring drought and heat. The difference was their trust. To the one trusting in the Lord, God provided strength and nourishment. To the one trusting in the flesh, none was given. Why? The flesh can produce no nourishment or hope.

Through this word “fitly spoken,” God revealed my sin. Yet, at the same time, he revealed his wonderful, refreshing, nourishing grace.

As spouses, we have a front row seat to the activity of God in each other’s lives. We also have a front row seat to each other’s sin. If we could speak in humility, yet in truth, into each other’s lives, we could be the greatest source of encouragement where we see God acting. We could be the kindest voice of correction where we see the flesh acting. As a result, our marriages, our lives, and our homes would magnify the greatness of God in magnificent ways.

I am blessed to have an ally in the fight against my sin and the fight for faith. May I, may we, seek to be allies and not adversaries in our homes and marriages. And may we be faithful and full of faith in the best of times and the worst of times.

NOTE: Check out my newly released book on marital communication: With These Words. You can purchase the book here or at Amazon.