A Moment for Marriage

Precious, Precious Time

By Rob Flood

Rich or poor, we are all allotted equal doses of time. For each of us, we have 168 hours a week to spend. That works out to 10,080 minutes. There is no favoritism…no ways to earn more or deals to make that give us less. We all stand on equal footing. It seems like a lot, no? No!

Remove about a third of them for sleep and you have about 112 hours left. Take away about another 22 hours for eating and you’ve got just under 13 hours each day left. Now, factor in driving to work, work, and driving home from work. Add to that church events and Community Group. Add to that baseball practice and dance lessons…you see where I’m going. Time is precious and there are many, many things in our lives begging for more. Yet, just like dollars, we have a limited supply. And unlike dollars, we can’t even run into debt on our time. There is a hard stop at 168 hours a week.

Our limit on time can lead to a common but devastating trap in marriage. Because time is so short, we can presume upon our marriage relationship and give our time elsewhere. We think, “she’ll understand” or “he knows I love him.” Before we know it, if we’re not careful, we’ve spent all 168 hours on events and people beyond our spouse. Or, perhaps a bit more realistically, all of the time we’ve given our spouse has been “business” and not “personal.” It has been to handle the goings on of life and not enjoyment and care for our relationship.

Just as a checkbook reveals how we prioritize the use of our money, our schedules reveal how we prioritize the use of our time. And when time spent does not reflect priorities valued, we know we are presuming upon something.

Gentlemen, our wives are worthy of dedicated time. Time set aside for no other reason than we prioritize what is important to them and we seek to nurture our relationship with them.

Ladies, your husbands are worthy of dedicated time. Time set aside to enrich your relationship.

One of the greatest threats to time as a couple is the time necessary for children. With the raising of children, it seems there is never enough time for marriage. It has been said many times, but never too many, that the greatest gift you can give your children is a healthy marriage to your spouse.

Is this a call to date night? Not necessarily. It is possible to have a regular date night and focus only on the business of life. It is also possible to not have a regular date night and still dedicate meaningful time to each other. Date night is a good practice and a reasonable place to apply this, but is not necessarily the same thing.

Here are some questions to help you evaluate if your time has been invested toward each other and for each other:

Do you have a good sense of how well or poorly your spouse is doing?
If you chose to eliminate conversation about the house and the kids, would conversation still come easily?
If your spouse never initiated conversation, would you be inclined to talk?
Do you currently feel closer or more distant from your spouse than a year ago?

While many factors can contribute to the level of closeness couples feel, it is nearly impossible to be close if you are not sharing your lives together. And that is only possible if you are making the difficult choices of spending precious, precious time on each other.

The Wide-Reaching Affects of Conflict

By Rob Flood

Years ago, one of my children was skimming the top of a pool with a skimmer. The pole must have been about 10 feet long. While having his concentration fully engaged on the pool, he was oblivious to the long stretch of pole behind him. With no malicious or pre-meditated intent, he nearly knocked two other children into the pool. Thankfully, no one got pushed in.

But it did make me think of the damage we can cause when we are reckless or careless, even unintentionally. A study¹ done at Simmons College in Boston tracked the wide-reaching affects that conflict has on children who witness it.

Researchers found that adolescents who reported increased family arguments at age 15 had an increased risk of major depression, alcohol abuse/dependence, drug dependence and antisocial behaviors at age 30, compared with peers who didn’t report more family arguments. And those with more family strife had twice the risk for being unemployed as adults.

Those who reported exposure to family violence by age 18 were significantly more likely than peers to have a mental disorder, drug or alcohol abuse or dependence, lower self-esteem, and lower overall life satisfaction at age 30.

We can sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that our conflict only impacts those we aim it at. But selfishness and anger, which lie at the root of our conflict, are not instruments of precision. They are not highly accurate rifles. Conflict functions much more like a hand grenade.

When we throw it at our opponent, our enemy, shrapnel flies in every direction often inflicting pain and damage on unintended targets. And, too often, those are our children.

Yet our conviction and sorrow over the damage we cause our children don’t often cause us to adjust the problem. Many times, we work hard to exchange our grenades for more precise instruments of anger. This is not the answer. What are we to do if our conflict is hurting those around us? We are to work at peace.

We might believe with all our hearts that we are not the cause of the conflict. We are simply married to someone who fights with us all the time. Maybe we think it is the fault of our contentious teen. Well…maybe. But Romans 12:18 calls followers of Christ to avoid the blame game altogether.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Be the channel of God’s grace into your home, even if there is no other channel working. Allow the young standers-by to observe and experience grace as they see it in you. Don’t pull the pin on the anger grenade. Lay down your sniper’s rifle.

Not only will this have a profound impact on your own joy and your marriage, but this will also have an immeasurable impact on your children. And the good fruit that is grown there will be seen now and into their future.

^{USA Today, 2009}

A Touch of Eternity

By Rob Flood

Children are a gift.

This is not an opinion. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like a reality but it is truth. God says so and that settles it.

Hopefully, many of you can list a great number of personal and specific examples of ways that your children are gifts. But there is one that we can often overlook. So, for all your parents reading this, let’s reminisce a bit.

Think back to the birth of your children. I know for me, with each of them, there was this amazing, meaningful, pregnant moment when the momentum of labor and delivery all came to a deafening silence. It happened once each of my children were wrapped up and lying under the French fry warmer.

What was it that filled that moment? What caused my heart to stand still and my eyes to fill with soggy wonder every time? It was a touch of eternity.

There is something profound about witnessing the birth of a part of you that will, in most cases, carry you beyond your lifetime. There is something “extending” about the birth of a child. There is an awareness of our smallness, of a generation that will live beyond us. In the birth of our children, our minds and our hearts are stretched beyond the span of our years and we understand our finitude and that God’s gift of children stretches it beyond us.

Yet, even our “stretched out” finitude is finite. And our children, should they outlive us, will still come face to face with their own finitude. So will their children, in the same way our parents did and we are currently. Though having children stretches it a bit, we’re still left in the same reality as the previous generation, and the next. We’re all so finite.

That’s not hopeless, though, because we serve an infinite God. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is the God of Rob, Sue, and Derek. The God of David of Bethlehem is the God of David of Hometown, USA. He hasn’t changed and He is no closer to His end than He was when He created the world.

As parents of children that hold the potential to stretch our finitude into the next couple generations, we have a choice to make. Will we train our children to stretch our finitude or to proclaim God’s infinitude? Will we raise them to proclaim our legacy or God’s? Will they be better known as your sons and daughters or as God’s sons and daughters?

Children are a gift and we will send that gift on as a time capsule to the future. When the future opens it, will it find artifacts of a time gone by or will it find the living Word within them?

That all depends. I suggest this: that we as the Body of Christ send our children into the future beyond us firmly committed to God’s infinitude. That we set aside our aspirations for a personal legacy and entrust it to God. That the value we place on what our children say about us be traded in for the value of what our children say about God. That God’s infinitude becomes a preoccupying parental thought each day. We will have all of eternity to enjoy the fruit of a commitment like that.

Leave Your Pride at the Door

By Rob Flood

As perfect as I thought marriage was going to be, I didn’t account for one important truth: I’m a sinner. And, to be honest, I forgot another one: Gina is a sinner, too. And so, there we were…young, inspired, and in love…surprised that we each took our pride into our marriage.

Our wounded pride caused apologies to be slow to come. The same ugly pride discouraged taking responsibility for our initial difficulties as well. Now, we see the folly of our ignorance. Yet, we still sometimes get caught up in our own pride and are surprised by the unavoidable reality of each other’s sin.

I find my own heart adjusted by a quote from J.R. Miller’s book formerly called Home-Making, now called The Family:

“Pride must have no place in wedded life. There must never be any standing upon dignity, nor any nice calculation as to whose place it is to make the apology or to yield first to the other…The pride that will never say, “I did wrong; forgive me,” is not ready for wedded life.”

“Never any standing upon dignity”: How we look in a given conflict or situation should not rise to the front of our minds nor the center of our hearts. As husband or wife, we need to see this for what it is…pride. Any concern for managing how we look in a given situation is what Miller means by standing upon dignity. We’re called to a love that has less of “us” in it than that.

“Whose place it is to make the apology”: Our pride is such a funny thing. We can know with all certainty that we’ve committed an offense and still delay an apology because, according to our perception, our spouse’s offense is greater. Oh, how we deceive ourselves!

Pride does not readily say, “I did wrong.” And it never allows itself to come humbly before another and ask forgiveness. Which is why Miller says that pride must have no place in wedded life. And yet, here we are, married and prideful. What are we to do?

First, simply call it what it is…pride. Learn to recognize it. It has a harsh tone and a sour odor. It often starts by tasting sweet, but always ends with bitterness on the palate. Once you recognize it…track it. If you’re anything like me, you’ll be surprised by how often it rears its ugly head.

Next, war against it through confession. Confess to your spouse and your God each time you see, taste, or smell it. Don’t tire of this good work…it is a tireless battle that demands courage and endurance.

Last, destroy it with humility. Don’t wonder whose place it is to make the apology…jump on the opportunity to do it first. Don’t seek ways to make yourself appear better…confess wrongdoing that your spouse would have no knowledge of without your confession.

Miller’s counsel is the most sound. He says pride has no place in wedded life. In other words, leave your pride at the door. If you’ve allowed pride to come in the front door, then get tough with it and kick it out the back door…or throw it out a window. Upon its demise, you will find a far more tender love comes to empower a God-centered marriage…for the glory of God.

The Mind of Your Marriage

by Rob Flood

When we think of marriage help, we often think of counsel about communication or sex or even parenting. These are good and, clearly, important to me as I seek to help couples. However, one of the most neglected elements of marriage, even of good marriages, is the mind of your marriage.

Your marriage has an intelligence that is made up of the shared interests and values and convictions of a husband and wife. Your spouse has an intellect, a worldview, convictions, and opinions on countless topics. Whether it be politics, racial harmony, immigration reform, or any other important issue in our times, your spouse has thoughts. He/She also has intellectual interests they’d like to pursue. Whether it be theology, Bible study, a certain discipline, a foreign language, or any other intellectual pursuit, your spouse has interests.

The intellectual development of the husband and the wife ought to occur in a healthy marriage. Do you know your spouse’s interests? Do you know her position on current events? Do you know his intellectual interests? I suggest learning what they are so you can be a part of encouraging those things, shaping those things, and partnering with your spouse as a student of those things.

Here are some suggestions:

Read a Book: Select a book on a topic that interests you and read it. Perhaps you set the time aside to read aloud to one another. Perhaps you read separately and come together once a week to discuss the week’s assignment. Share your topic of interest with your pastor and ask him for a recommendation.
Watch a Clip from Social Media: While there is much drivel on social media, there is much good as well. Perhaps it’s a news report or a sermon clip. Perhaps it is a statement on some event. You don’t even need to agree with it for it to generate good discussion between you. This options is particularly effective for very current events.
Watch/Listen to a Sermon Series: Perhaps your church posts their messages online. If not, there are many churches that do. Search the website of one of your favorite preachers for a topic that appeals to you both. Watch or listen to the message then discuss it.
Discuss with Another Couple: This may be a close friend or someone with whom you have much in common. It may be someone else from your church or your neighborhood who differs much from you. Ask them questions. Draw them out. Learn from them and allow them to learn from you. You could do any of the above with them as well.

Whichever you choose, don’t miss the main point. Husbands and wives are whole people. Their personhood is not limited to their role in the marriage. You as a married person are uniquely placed to encourage the intellectual development of your spouse. Much of our daily communication is about the work we do or with the children we’re raising. The interests and intellects of husbands and wives can be neglected.

Pursue the mind of your marriage on purpose. Pursue it together. Don’t look to argue with one another, but engage in serious discussion. You’ll find the partnership you have in the pursuit will sharpen and grow each of you.

When You Rise Up…When You Lie Down

By Rob Flood

Normally, when we hear the phrases “when you rise up” and “when you lie down,” visions of Deuteronomy 6 go through our heads. If they’re familiar to you, you think of parenting. If they’re not familiar to you, nothing may go through your head. Let’s look at them through the lens of marriage.

What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? I mean before the shower, the breakfast, and the coffee. (Yes, something positive can actually happen before the coffee.) What’s the last thing you do before falling asleep? Here’s a very practical suggestion that can maximize two brief moments that repeat every day.

Even before getting out of bed, consider praying for each other. Men, pray for the day your wife is about to face. If you are familiar with her schedule or plans, pray specifically. If she’s teaching the children, pray for her patience and understanding. If she’s going to work outside the home, pray for her protection, for a project she’s working on, for God-centered thoughts throughout the day.

Ladies, pray for the day your husband is about to face. For meetings or appointments you know he’s going to have. Pray for safety, for Godward thoughts, for courage to share his faith.

All of this can take about 2 minutes. A simple whispered prayer, audibly spoken, not only encourages your spouse, but lays faith-filled petitions before the throne of God. Because this may be a new idea, praying before you even feel awake, let me suggest a couple of things.

– Keep it short: Long winded prayers as you wake up or lie down often initiate instant sleep for your spouse. Keep it short so they can participate.

– Be specific: You can only know if your prayers are answered if they’re specific. Pray for specific blessings and outcomes…and remember to ask how things turned out.

– Be breath conscious: If you’re truly praying first thing…before anything else…then you have not yet brushed your teeth. So, be thoughtful about the direction of your whispers. Remember, you want your prayerful words to bless your spouse.

And do the same as you lie down. After you turn out the lights, take a couple seconds to thank God for the day and for any answered prayers from that morning. If situations have developed in the home that day, pray for them, whether they are marital, parental, or professional. Again, keep it short and be specific. Trusting that you’ve brushed your teeth before going to bed, be released from being breath conscious.

Praying “when you rise up” and “when you lie down,” you may find that the very brief times of marital prayer lead to more extended times elsewhere in your day. Making prayer a part of your marriage is not hard but it can make a real difference, for time and for eternity.

Marital Holiness: Greater Than the Sum of Its Parts

By Rob Flood

A Christian couple strives for a holy marriage. However, holiness is never achieved by hoping or wishing for it. It is achieved by husbands striving for holiness as men and wives striving for holiness as women. Then, each spouse is best positioned to strive for holiness together.

As individuals and as couples, we strive to live for more than this holiness, but must never settle for living for less than holiness. So, in our pursuit, we put our lives into the light for others to see; we submit ourselves to accountability; we curb fleshly desires and we seek to feed the spirit within us. These are all good and worthy pursuits, but in the end, unless the Lord builds the house, we labor in vain.

All successful pursuits of holiness are built on the same foundation. If it is neglected, whatever we build is in constant risk of collapse. Even well-built walls will crumble without the right foundation.

In the introduction to his book called Holiness, J.C. Ryle shows us the foundation by making the following, bold assertion:

That faith in Christ is the root of all holiness—that the first step towards a holy life is to believe on Christ—that until we believe we have not a jot of holiness—that union with Christ by faith is the secret of both beginning to be holy and continuing holy—that the life that we live in the flesh we must live by the faith of the Son of God—that faith purifies the heart—that faith is the victory that overcomes the world—that by faith the elders obtained a good report—all these are truths which no well-instructed Christian will ever think of denying.

Catch that last line: “…all these are truths which no well-instructed Christian will ever think of denying.” What is it that we would never think of denying? “…that faith in Christ is the root of all holiness.”

Our faith in the person of Christ and our confidence in the work of Christ must never be left in our past. It is the means by which you were saved, yes. But it must not be left at our moment of salvation; it is the power for all of our growth past, present, and future. The success of our pursuit of holiness fundamentally depends upon this foundation.

Call it “living the cross-centered life.” Call it “gospel living.” Call it whatever you’d like. The label is not nearly as important as the reality of it. All failure in holiness is a failure in faith. When the methods of accountability fail, it is not the fault of the methods. The failure reaches down to the foundation.

Faith in Christ in not just the root of all holiness, it is the first step. It is the secret of beginning and continuing in holiness. It purifies the heart. It is the victory that overcomes the world.

Let me ask you a few questions. Don’t think of your spouse here; just think of yourself. Where are you in your own, personal pursuit of holiness? Are you on the sidelines, sitting the pursuit out? Then you are missing the first step, which is faith in Christ. Are you struggling along, doing your best and hoping? Your need is deeper, richer, fuller faith in Christ. Faith that is more dependent, more immediate, more real, more tangible. Are you doing well and seeing much success? Your need for faith is no less than it was before. It is faith that started you and it is faith that sustains you. Your continuing in holiness depends upon this faith.

What a gift and what a relief! In the pursuit of holiness, we are called to something we cannot obtain on our own. We have neither the fortitude nor the ability. Yet, in our union with Christ, we inherit what he himself has obtained. Yes, faith is our only recourse. And, thank God, it is enough.

What is the Posture of Your Marriage?

By Rob Flood

For eight years, I ran a private voice studio teaching voice lessons. Regardless of talent or aptitude, the first few lessons were spent on posture. The parts of the body can only work in concern with each other when the body is held in the proper posture. Once addressed and subsequently fixed, you’d be amazed at how easily other vocal problems could be addressed. Posture mattered a lot.

Posture matters in marriage, too. Some postures are worth pursuing while others are worth avoiding. So, let’s just take a look at two that could help direct conversation between you and your spouse.

Face to Face: When we’re face to face, we’re focused on each other. In this posture, we communicate, we experience intimacy, and we work on our marriage. In this posture, we declare our marriage to be the singular most important human relationship we have. Here, we engage.

When we’re face to face, the world around us fades. Regardless of our schedule or preference, if we do not experience this posture often, trouble is not far off. With the world warring against the very fabric of marriage combined with our own busyness chipping away at it from the inside, face to face is a must.

Shoulder to Shoulder: As we stand shoulder to shoulder, we labor for the gospel. We work to reach the lost, care for our neighbors and raise our children. We engage the world around us as we stand side by side and walk never forgetting that we walk together.

When we’re shoulder to shoulder, there is a strength about us. When we serve together, we experience the same trials of faith and the same experiences of God’s providence. We experience the same obstacles, the same victories, the same needs for prayer. In all of this, we grow together in our experience of God.

The Challenge – Balance: If we are exclusively postured face to face, a marriage becomes self-focused. It becomes blinded to the world around it. The place of family and marriage becomes inordinately elevated to the exclusion of all else. However, if a marriage is exclusively shoulder to shoulder, much work will be done outside the home with growing atrophy inside the home. The marriage relationship becomes centered on task rather than being. The love that is necessary for fruitful labor dies on the vine.

The couple that is tempted to remain face to face must frequently turn shoulder to shoulder, joining together in serving others and reaching out to others. The couple that is tempted to remain shoulder to shoulder must frequently turn face to face for constructive and intentional conversation and personal times of intimacy.

The Danger: If either of the above postures are neglected, we can ultimately grow to a back to back posture. In this posture, we are either indifferently living separate lives or intentionally choosing separation rather than restoration.

By the time we end up back to back, much of our motivation for restoration is lost and we arrive at a place where we fight the temptation toward cold hopelessness.

The Cure – A Posture of Prayer: Whether you find yourself in the danger zone of hopelessness or just needing a little tweak, prayer is the answer. God is for your marriage and wants your posture to reflect his call, his design for marriage, and his glory.

Here are some questions to help you take a step forward in your marriage posture:

Toward which posture does your marriage most lean? Do you tend to linger face to face? …shoulder to shoulder? …back to back?
What is the current state of your prayer posture in marriage?
What other couple can be brought into your lives to help stretch you to other postures?

By taking on a posture of prayer, the active postures in our lives can be kept in balance. It is God’s desire for a marriage to be face to face AND shoulder to shoulder. As we keep his will constantly in our vision, we will be able, according to his grace, to avoid the danger, enjoy the blessing, and bring his name glory.

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Married or VERY Married?

By Rob Flood

“If I get married, I want to be very married.” Audrey Hepburn

Every married couple is made up of married people. That’s how marriage works. Two people get married and become a married couple. But are both people “equally” married? In one sense, of course they are. One marriage makes two people equally married.

Yet, in another sense, in a more functional sense, many marriages consist of one spouse being more married than the other. One spouse does more of the work. One spouse does more of the overlooking. One does more of the forgiving, the communicating, the sacrificing. The blessings that come to a couple often come through the labor of one spouse over the other.

Now, I’m not trying to break out a marital score card. I’m not posting a 10-question survey to figure out who’s working and who’s freeloading. Here’s what I’m getting at.

We all can be guilty of allowing the health of our marriage to live on the fumes of our spouse’s labor, coasting through a day or a week. I don’t have to look back very far before I find a day or a week where Gina out-labored me in our marriage. She initiated topics on conversation that I ought to have initiated. She asked to pray with me about something rather than me drawing her out.

The ebb and flow of labor in a marriage relationship is common and necessary. However, the real question is this: Does this type of behavior form a pattern in your marriage? Do you find that you coast on the fumes of your spouse’s efforts? You are married, that is for sure, but are you VERY married?

VERY married people pour themselves into the success of their marriage. VERY married people strive to serve Christ through their marriage and in their marriage. VERY married people don’t act and wait for their spouse to act back; they act because it is the right thing to do.

One of the most famous passages on marriage in the New Testament is Ephesians 5:22-33. Without a doubt, it is a core passage for the success of any Christian marriage. However, one passage that is rarely cited for marriage is Romans 12:9-21.

There is a good reason for this…it is not about marriage. It is, however, about what ought to characterize the life of a disciple of Christ. If a couple rightly understands Ephesians 5:22-33, they may be led to ask, “What does this passage look like when it is lived out?” In many ways, it looks like Romans 12:9-21. Here is a taste of the passage so you can see my point:

Let love be genuine.
Abhor what is evil.
Hold fast to what is good.
Love one another with brotherly affection.
Outdo one another in showing honor.
Do not be slothful in zeal.
Be fervent in spirit.
Serve the Lord.

One key difference between those who are married and those who are VERY married is not just effort, but purpose IN the effort. Being a wife or a husband is one thing. Being a disciple of Christ who is a wife or a husband is quite another. Purposeful discipleship will help you make the important transition from married to VERY married. And one of the greatest joys that can visit a marriage is having two spouses who are VERY married.

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Unite and Conquer

By Rob Flood

On day four of our honeymoon, Gina and I began a strong and wide divide that lasted for quite some time. The damage created about 18 months of turmoil in our marriage and personal lives. How we could have benefitted from true biblical fellowship back then.

As God poured his grace into our lives, we repaired our marriage and resurrected our love for one another. We began to see the many areas in which we stumbled. A small slip here, a missed step there. An opportunity for grace wasted, a need for forgiveness bypassed. Suddenly, these small missteps led to a divide that nearly destroyed us. We were striving for unity, but couldn’t seem to reach it.

You may be lacking unity in your marriage. Maybe it is difficult coming to a unified decision. Maybe it is difficult finding unified interests. Or maybe it’s as ugly as ours was, not even being unified in your love for one another. The essential ingredients for unity are needed and quick! So, what are they? Here’s what we discovered.

Unite around a common Savior –In marital conflict, we can leave the cross at the front door. This is what we did. I failed to allow the cross to influence my interaction with Gina and my perception of what was happening. As a couple, join hands at the foot of the cross. Gain perspective on your problem and on God’s love for your spouse. Gain perspective on the depth of your sinful heart. Pray together, confess before each other. Allow the love of a common Savior to unite you.

Unite around a common enemy – FamilyLife has a saying: “My spouse is not my enemy.” God has joined you together that you may be one against the attacks of another. Marriage has an enemy: Satan. He wants your marriage to fall apart because he knows that it reflects more than just two lovers. It reflects the love of a Savior and his people. Your spouse is not your enemy. Unite in fighting the same person.

Unite around a common cause – Gary Thomas’ book, Sacred Marriage, has a provocative subtitle: “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” God designed marriage to fulfill its main purpose: to glorify him and reflect his glory. Ephesians 5 highlights this purpose for marriage. Set aside your pursuit of happiness and embrace a pursuit for holiness. Not only will your marriage be a happier one. It will also be a holier one. God will be mightily glorified as two sinners unite around the common cause of bringing him glory.

By the kindness and grace of God, Gina and I are doing wonderfully. We are enjoying a deep love and true unity. However, the memories of those first 18 months are never far from our minds. When temptation creeps up and division begins to appear, we unite. As we do, the cross has its intended effect on our relationship. And we are hopeful. The same can be true in your marriage. Unite around Christ. Unite in your fight against the Evil One. And unite around the glory of God. Let him do the rest.

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